Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Are you the type of person who hates when someone is mad at them so you avoid confrontation? Do you find it hard to say no, even though you know it's something that you do not want to do, and then you regret saying yes later? Yeah, you're in your unhealthy nice girl era and that's okay. Here's your permission to prioritize
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[00:00:29] Hi everyone, welcome or welcome back to another episode of True To Her. Today I want to start off with a story, a tale of two women and how different their lives unfold depending on whether or not they prioritize themselves. Let's start with Maya. Maya is the type of woman who knows how to put herself first. She walks into a coffee shop five minutes early, feeling refreshed, calm and collected. She just came from her morning yoga class. It's a weekly thing, a non negotiable for her because it helps keep her grounded throughout the week. As she sits down, she greets her friend Olivia, but sets a gentle boundary right away. She mentions that she only has an hour before she needs to head home to meal prep and have some downtime. During their conversation, Olivia asks Maya if she could help with the upcoming event. Maya doesn't immediately say yes, although she would love to help. Instead she says let me check my schedule and see if I have the bandwidth this week. No guilt, no over explaining, just honest communication about her limits. By the end of their coffee date she feels good knowing she showed up for herself and her friend without overextending. And then there's Olivia. Olivia rushes into the coffee shop 10 minutes late, out of breath and apologizing. She's frazzled because yet again a co worker asked for her help last minute. She couldn't bring herself to say no. Her family, friends and co workers are all texting her, needing something. She tries to keep up with the conversation, but her mind is scattered. When Maya mentions her yoga class, "I wish I had time to do something like that", she says. "But there's always so much going on." As they're talking about the upcoming event. Immediately, Olivia agrees to do it, saying she'll help, just send her the details. She doesn't stop to think if she has the capacity to take on something else. Saying no feels impossible to her. By the time the conversation ends, Olivia is already dreading her to do list. She feels drained, resentful and overwhelmed, but she doesn't see how she could break the cycle.
As I've been telling this story, I hope that you've been thinking, are you living more like Olivia or are you living like Maya? Are you prioritizing your needs, setting boundaries and protecting your peace? Or are you constantly putting others first, saying yes when you want to say no, and leaving yourself exhausted? If you've listened to previous episodes, then you know that for a long time I was more Olivia than I was Maya. I was the one bending over backwards, afraid to disappoint, trying to be everything for everyone. And while I was giving all my time, my energy, my care, I wasn't getting that same TLC in return. Leaving me feeling drained, unseen and unappreciated. In episode two, I talk about my breaking point. How I got tired of living for everyone else and never leaving space for myself. And if you've been living like Olivia, I'm pretty sure you've had this nagging feeling or thought in the back of your mind telling you that it's time to make a change. And that's what we're going to be talking about today. Me realizing that it was up to me to create space for myself and stop feeling so burnt out and overwhelmed, was the day that my transformation started. Was it easy? Absolutely not. But you have to choose your hard. Shifting from being Olivia to becoming Maya meant I had to put myself in a lot of uncomfortable situations. And yes, it still only lasts five minutes max. But at first I felt scary. I didn't know what I was doing. I had a lot of guilt attached to putting myself first. I over explained a lot, giving people room to talk me out of my no. And overall, because I felt so heavy, I thought that I was doing the wrong thing. But that feeling, nine times out of ten is your guide to let you know that you're doing the right thing. I had to learn to start saying no even when it felt awkward. I had to learn to stop over explaining my boundaries and let them stand on their own even when I felt guilty. And most importantly, I had to stop tying my self worth to how much I did for other people and start validating my own needs and desires. The more I practiced, the stronger I became and the more I prioritized my peace, the more peaceful people came into my life.
I know after listening to this story you're probably wondering am I more Maya or am I more Olivia? And I'm going to share the signs of both with you so that you can really check off a list and see where it is that you fall. So we're going to start with Maya again, who prioritizes herself. Sign number one. You set and honor your boundaries. You don't feel the need to justify your decisions to others. And you prioritize your time and energy based on your needs. Sign number two. You trust your intuition. You listen to your gut and act on it. And you no longer seek or feel the need to have external validation to make a decision. Sign number three. You practice self care consistently. You regularly do things that bring you joy and fulfillment like reading, yoga classes, working out, painting, etc. And you prioritize rest, hobbies and personal growth without apology. Sign number four. You feel at peace in your relationships. You're surrounded by people that respect your boundaries and celebrate your growth. You feel valued and seen rather than drained or taken for granted. And the last and final sign. Sign number five. You embrace your authentic self. You no longer change who you are to fit in or make others comfortable. You feel confident in your worth regardless of other people's opinions. So if you're more like Maya and a woman who prioritizes herself, you take time to think about whether you have the bandwidth to do something. You show up in a way that aligns with your time and your energy and the things that you want to do that week. You think big picture. It's not just short term. You think about your week at a glance. You think about your month. You think about the stuff that you want to do that's on your calendar already. That yoga class you want to do, making time to paint, create, learning a new skill. Whatever it is, it's already on your list. And you fill in the gaps around your hobbies, around the things that you want to do and not the other way around. Having all these different things on your list already and then trying to fit you on the list. No, you're the priority. You're on the list. And that doesn't mean that you can't compromise or it's set in stone. Sometimes that Wednesday night activity gets moved to Thursday because you have something that's coming up that you actually do want to do. But the point is everything fits around you and not the other way around. Now let's talk about the signs. You're moving like Olivia stuck in the people pleasing cycle. The first sign, you struggle to say no. You agree to do things because you want to avoid conflict and you feel anxious or guilty when you're turning someone down. The second sign, you prioritize others over yourself. You constantly put other people's needs over your own, even at your own expense and your schedule is filled with obligations for others, leaving little room for yourself. Sign number three. You avoid confrontation at all costs. You're more likely to downplay your feelings to keep the peace and you avoid expressing your true thoughts or needs out of fear of upsetting others. Sign number four. You seek external validation instead of validating yourself. You feel you need others approval to feel worthy or you base yourself esteem on how much you can do for others. And the last and final sign. Sign number five. You feel drained and resentful nine times out of 10 or 10 times out of 10. You feel unappreciated or taken advantage of and you feel exhausted from constantly meeting everyone else's expectations. So to recap, you know that you're an Olivia if you just agree to do things to avoid conflict. Your schedule is filled with what everyone else needs and wants from you and you're trying to fit yourself in in those pieces. You find it hard to make decisions on your own. Your help, your love and your care is never met with appreciation.
I had to learn that when I wasn't putting myself first. A lot of people benefited from it because I'm a good person with a good heart. I'm resourceful, I'm a solution oriented person. So of course the people that I'm serving and helping are going to want me around. And the people aren't used to the person that does everything not being there. But that's exactly why I had to prioritize myself. Because if I'm constantly doing something for others all the time, when am I making time to do things for myself? We all have goals, we all have desires, we all have things that we want to accomplish. So if we're constantly saying yes to helping someone else accomplish their goals, their desires, when does that leave room for you? If you're always a problem solver, for example, like me with my friends, and I'm always getting calls at all times at night or text and I'm expected to respond, when does that make room for me to get a good quality sleep? Or when does that make room for me to have quiet time to pour into the things that I want to do for myself? It doesn't. And that's why boundaries are necessary. That's why prioritizing yourself is necessary. And that's another reason why I'm saying to schedule yourself into your calendar first and then basically move based on your calendar. So for example, if you know that Wednesday morning you want to work out at 8am, you can't be up the night before that. So if you have a friend that's calling you and needs your advice or your attention after a certain time, you have to cut that off. You have to set that, that boundary or that limit and let them know, like, hey, I don't have the bandwidth to do this right now. And sometimes you don't even have to tell the person that you don't have the bandwidth. You can just hit them up the next day. It's just. It's literally that simple. When you prioritize yourself, you prioritize your time, you prioritize your energy, you prioritize your bandwidth and what you can and cannot do. And I know this is cliche, but the saying you can't pour from an empty cup is a fact. When you don't pour into yourself and you're not making sure that you're good, you're not giving yourself time for rest, plate and creativity and hobbies and endeavors that you enjoy, then you're constantly pouring from an empty cup that's never going to be full. And you'll probably start to see the glass half empty versus half full because you're resentful, burnt out and feeling undervalued. It's a domino effect.
So if you recognize that you have Olivia tendencies where you're stuck in people pleasing, you're not where you want to be with prioritizing yourself. Here's a roadmap to help you with your transformation. The first thing you have to do is recognize where you are now. Acknowledge and accept that you do have Olivia tendencies and this is how you've been living. You have to acknowledge it and you have to accept it. Emphasis on accepted. Don't beat yourself up for giving so much of your time. You're a good person with a good heart. I wouldn't expect nothing less from you. And the people around you obviously don't expect nothing less from you. But it's up to you to make sure that you're not overextending yourself or over giving and to recognize where you are right now. Journal. Ask yourself, what moments in my life make me feel most drained or resentful? Reflect on specific situations where you know you've prioritized someone else over yourself. Think about something that you really wanted to do, but you turned down because you helped somebody else. The second step is to define what Maya looks like for you. Clarify what it means to prioritize yourself in your unique life. We're all different. We all have different energy levels and bandwidth. And to do this you have to identify your core values, your needs and your non negotiables. What are you willing to do and not do? Where do you draw the line? What are your core values? And what happens when something comes up that doesn't align with that? What do you need to make sure you're good? And the journal prompt to go with that could look like what does a fulfilled version of me look and feel like? Step number three is to take small steps to change. I mentioned this in previous episodes, but you don't have to start out huge telling people to go fuck off. You can start small. Saying no to small requests that don't align with your needs is the easiest way to build up that confidence and build up the muscle and the strength to say no to bigger things. Say no to those little things that you know you really don't want to do, but you keep giving in on and you feel like it's not that big of a deal. So those are the little things that you can say no to. You can also set a clear boundary in one area of your life where you know you've been overextending yourself. This can be an area of phone calls. Like I said, I know a lot of us have friends that we love dearly and love to help and our problem solve is for them. But at some point you can't be the fixer or the problem solver all the time. Sometimes they have to figure it out for themselves. And they probably haven't figured out for themselves because you've been there helping them, holding their hand along the way, not letting them fall on their own and pick themselves back up. It's in the moments that we fall and have to pick ourselves back up that we actually change. So find an area of your life where you're usually overextending yourself or not prioritizing yourself and it causes you to have a bad week and set a clear boundary. And if we go back to the front example, that could look like not taking calls or not answering texts after a certain time. 10:00 if you're a night owl like me. But it could just be as simple as I don't answer texts or calls after a certain time. A general prompt to go along with this could be what's one small promise I could make to myself today? And if you didn't know Making and keeping promises to yourself is how you build self trust. When you keep the promises you make to yourself, you showing yourself you're going to show up for yourself and that you're Someone you can trust because you follow through on your word. You keep the promises you make to yourself and in turn you become more confident in your decision making ability. You become more trustful and that's what you need. In those moments where you are being confrontational, you have that internal trust that you're making the right decision decision. And the last step in your road map to transformation is to reframe guilt and discomfort. If you keep looking at guilt and discomfort the same way that you've been, you're going to continue to feel guilty and find it so uncomfortable when you do these things. Instead, understand that feeling guilty when you say no or set boundaries is natural but temporary. Again, the discomfort, the uneasiness in your body not breathing as you face confrontation. It only lasts max five minutes. Remind yourself that choosing yourself isn't selfish. It's necessary for your well being. It's necessary for you to pour into other people's cups. It's necessary for you to actualize your goals, your dreams and what you want out of this life. And instead of a general prop for this, here's an affirmation. Every time I prioritize myself, I strengthen my capacity to show up authentically for others.
This transition is never about perfection. Never. It's about that 1%. It's about getting better and getting closer to that ideal version of yourself. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. One small no. 1 boundary, one promise. It's okay to stumble because you're doing something new. It's a whole new world for you. New boundaries, new habits, new mindset. You haven't done this before, so expect to cry sometimes or feel uncomfortable or like you can't do it. It's natural, but don't allow it to consume you and to become your truth. Because it's not. The key is to keep moving forward and remind yourself that you deserve a life that reflects your worth, your values and authentic self.
Now for the weekly challenge. I want you to have a choose you moment this week. Identify one decision or situation and make a choice that honors your needs. Instead, think about one thing you could do this week. To prioritize yourself. I want you to reflect on how choosing yourself felt and what did you learn in the process? What needs to be tweaked. Next time when you set a boundary, you're not going to over explain yourself or you're not going to compromise on it or express how excited you felt, how scary it was about how proud you are that you did it. Reflect on it. I will have a highlight up on Instagram if you want to talk to me about it and we can reflect and move forward together.
I hope after this episode and the example of Maya and Olivia really put into perspective what it means to put yourself first versus be stuck in people pleasing. You might have some signs from both. You might have signs from one, you might have more signs from one over the other. And that's okay. Acceptance is the name of the game. The first step to any type of improvement is accepting where you are and then to further do the work. Try out something new for this week. Try to set a boundary. Think about situations where you usually put other people first and don't give them that power. Reclaim it. It's yours. Thank you so much for joining me with this week's episode. If it resonated with you, share with a friend who you know could benefit and leave a review if you feel called to. Don't forget to follow on your favorite audio platforms and subscribe to the YouTube channel. And as always, don't forget to follow on Instagram Utah Podcast for behind the scenes pod updates, weekly challenge updates, live interaction, and so much more. I can't wait to hear about your experience with this week's challenge and I'll see you in the next episode.
