Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] I don't know if it's just me, but I used to think I had bad luck with people. Like why did I always have to end up feeling disappointed, misunderstood or drained? Then one day it hit me. I had to ask myself some uncomfortable questions. What's the common denominator in all of my relationship patterns? The answer was me. Have you ever stopped to wonder why you keep ending up in the same kind of situations? Whether it's friendship, dating, or even at work. I had to realize my relationships were mirrors and they were reflecting my wounds, my beliefs, and how I saw myself. In today's video, I'm going to share how I started recognizing the patterns I was repeating in relationships, what those patterns were really saying about me, and how I began shifting them from the inside out. So let's get right into it. I'm so glad that I did this. And I took the time out to recognize my relationship patterns because I learned that my relationships were never about the other person. They were showing me what I believed I deserved. For example, whenever I felt the need to over explain myself, 9 times out of 10 it was because I didn't feel safe being fully seen. Or if I stayed too long in friendships where I felt disrespected, deep down I was questioning my own worth. I genuinely did not know how much I was settling until I started paying attention to how anxious or drained I felt after certain conversations. That was probably one of the biggest wake up calls for me to really be able to name that I was anxious or identify that I was feeling drained. I had to ask myself questions to be able to spot my patterns. This looked like asking myself why did I feel the need to prove myself in any of my connections? Why I felt like I had to shrink myself for other people to be comfortable. Who was I trying to save and why? And why I felt guilty for saying no or needing space. There was one relationship where I was always overcompensating. I thought that if I just love them harder, they treat me better. But all it did was reinforce this pattern that I had to earn love. And let me tell you, that is the worst thing thing you can do if someone does not recognize your worth is not loving you in the way that you want to be loved, especially after you communicate it. You have to walk away loving them harder, treating them better, or trying to show them. Maybe if I just showed them how much I love them, they'll understand. No, that is the fastest way to continue to be unseen, unheard, undervalue, underappreciated and not loved in a way that you want to be loved. Let me tell you something about 2025. People are not leaving when they know that they don't want to be with you anymore. I've had way too many conversations with people who are just sticking around out of comfort, history and simply just not wanting to be alone. Please don't let that be you. If you want to be able to spy your patterns, here's an example of a journal entry I used. I wrote out the timeline for my last year relationships and asked myself what patterns do I keep seeing and what role do I always fall into? And let me tell you as I'm doing this, my heart was literally breaking. This exercise was so hard, but it was the beginning of understanding my relationship patterns and gaining self awareness for myself. One of the roles that kept popping up for me was being seen as peaceful in the good girl, meaning I didn't have space to have a bad day. I was put on a pedestal. I was always the other person's comfort, their safety, their peace, the nurturing one. And I wasn't able to receive that back because I was being a support for the other person. And while none of the qualities or characteristics I just listed are bad, writing it out and see it on paper helped me realize that the person that I was with had to have these qualities too. And it was something that I prioritized moving forward. Underneath it all though, I realized my patterns were protecting me. I eventually learned that I was playing out an old wound. I was afraid of giving my all and getting nothing in return. I had a fear of abandonment. I was afraid of being too much or not enough. So I did things like stay quiet when I should speak up. And I really truly believed that being easygoing would make me more lovable. And the crazy thing is this was not the case for all of my relationships, just the ones that I truly really was not meant to be in. Anybody that knows me knows that I'm outspoken, know that I title like it is, know that I'm not afraid to walk alone. But when it came to just certain relationships, I would just be the complete opposite. And I think it had a lot to do too with not letting my emotional cycles cycle trying to have an answer right on the spot. For example, at one point I had four best friends. Different time periods, some overlap, some friends who were also we were all friends at the same time. And with one of my friends it was very much easy to communicate with her, especially speak my mind, be seen and not feel like I was doing too much or, you know, like I had to dim my light versus another friend who always felt like I had to tiptoe around her feelings because I didn't want to seem like I was doing too much or like I thought I was better than her. She would be very sensitive or say little things that would just make me feel like I was shitting on her. And this is someone that I love, so why would I want to shit on her? So if you're doing this exercise or you're thinking about your relationship patterns, understand that it could show up across all of your relationships or even during a specific time period in your life. And if you're wondering if I'm still friends with that person, the answer is no. She was not a bad person. I'm pretty sure she did not know that she was projecting or trying to make me feel some kind of way. But at the end of the day, when you think back to these things and you have that awareness, you have choices. You get to choose who's a part of your life and who you're going to allow to make you feel like what. That was a choice that I made to make sure that I never had to walk on eggshells around anybody in my life, understanding that my patterns were protecting me, like staying quiet to keep the peace or walking on eggshells. Like I just mentioned, I had to really reframe that too. These patterns aren't bad. Ha. There were strategies I developed to survive. They made sense at one point in my life, but they were hurting me now, and I had to figure out a way to shift my energy. I am going to share about five ways that I was able to shift my energy. But first, I want you to reflect on this question. What are your relationships protecting you from? You could pause right here to reflect, or you could write down the question and come back to it later. I'll put it in the description box or pin it to the comment section. One of the first things I did to shift my energy was observing my reactions in real time. For example, I could remember a time I felt disrespected, but I let it slide. I knew the person wasn't in the right mind frame, so I told myself to just let it go. My empathy and awareness was getting, getting the best of me. But I had to tell myself, whenever I'm not in the right mind frame or I'm upset, I don't go around disrespecting people. So why would I let it be okay for someone to do that to me? Asking myself the question was how I was able to shift the head. Another thing I did was practicing saying what I meant. I really had to relearn how to speak up for myself in all of my relationships, not just the ones where I felt safe and comfortable. I had to stop ghosting people or pretending things were fine, essentially being an avoidant. I started saying this isn't working for me or I'm not interested in pursuing anything here. It was very uncomfortable, but it was so necessary and so powerful to reclaim my voice like that. The third thing I did was check in with my energy. One of the biggest changes came when I started honoring how I felt around people. I stopped forcing things and simply began choosing my peace. If you want to learn more about your energy, check the video linked Here I go in depth to figure out who and what is draining you and what's fueling you. The fourth thing I did was give myself what I was seeking. You know how they say don't ask for what you can't reciprocate? If I want to respect, I had to stop disrespecting myself and staying in places where I wasn't valued. If I wanted safety, I had to stop abandoning my own needs to keep the peace. And lastly, I had to honor my emotions and stop trying to make quick decisions. At the very least, I have to sleep on whatever I'm feeling. If I wake up in the morning and I no longer feel that way, cool. If I wake up in the morning and I do still feel that way, cool. But I know and I'm not just making a rash decision in a moment and then later feeling some kind of way about it. So as I've been speaking, have you noticed any of your patterns? How could you interrupt it this week? What would it look like to show up differently, even just once? Let me know down below. We are at the end of the video, but I would love to leave you with some key takeaways so don't go anywhere yet. Your relationships are some of your greatest teachers, but only when you start paying attention to the messages behind them. You do not have to repeat the past just because it's familiar. And changing your relationship patterns does not mean fixing everyone else's. It means getting honest with yourself. First, affirm to yourself I am learning from every connection. I'm allowed to grow, choose differently, and be loved for who I truly am. If this video resonated with you, let me know by liking it. Make sure you subscribe so you never miss an upload and make sure you try the journal prompts I shared in this video to get a better understanding understanding of your relationship patterns. I'll see you in the next video.
