Episode Transcript
Have you ever found yourself in a situation that completely broke you? One that you know deep down inside you could have avoided if you just listened to yourself? Have you gone along with something that you knew was not quite right and ended up losing yourself in the process? that was me three years ago. I kept going with the flow until I had no choice but to face myself. Hi everyone, welcome or welcome back to True her podcast I'm your host Kina Shysae and today we're going to be talking about the impacts of going with the flow How it could put you on the fast track To rock bottom where you find yourself compromising identity your values and even your beliefs I'm sharing a personal story of how this played out in my life. The transformation that followed. The lessons I've learned. And steps you can take to break this pattern. but before we get started, I just want to mention some things that I mentioned in the welcome trailer for those of you that haven't heard it. First, you can expect the podcast to be solo, for now. Episodes drop every single Monday. If you prefer video, make sure you subscribe to the YouTube channel at truetoher Podcast. Or, if you prefer audio, follow on your favorite streaming platforms. And make sure you follow truetoher because that's where you get behind the scenes, live interaction, And that is where we're going to keep up with the weekly challenges. Basically, follow the podcast everywhere you can. Now, let's get into the story. You Before we get into the event, aka the awakening, as I like to call it, let me give you a little bit of background. So around this time, I'm in college and there's two very pivotal things that happened during this time. Leading me to go with the flow instead of being the true love a girl know my worth kind of girl that I am you know when you get to college and people tell you like Oh relationships Don't thrive in college. This is the time of your life to have fun bla That's one conversation that stuck with me. I had it with someone that I trusted and I believed their word and I'm like, all right, cool. Like she can't be staring me wrong plus, I saw firsthand how my guy friends, had girlfriends back home and was doing whatever all the time. So I'm like, alright, there's some truth to this. So that was one conversation and one belief that I held, relationships just isn't something that you look forward to in college. And then the second thing was a conversation that I had with my best friend at the time. We were kicking it. Talking like we usually did and Looking back. I recognized that she was at a bad place in her life It was probably projecting or mad at you know Everybody who was seeming to do well, but in that conversation. I was just talking about How I'm so excited for, the semester coming up everything that I had accomplished like my grades doing well in school and money that I was making and all these different kinds of things. and those were things that weren't going right with her at the time. And she basically told me. you must really think you better than everybody. And I'm like, confused, but like I said, looking back, I could see where that came from. But in the moment, I didn't see that. And I felt so bad because I'm like, one, I hate. When people like, Oh, you think you're better than people. Just because I know what I want, I know who I am. I know my worth. Like I'm not just going to do anything. So I hated when people told me that I knew it was coming from someone like her, someone that I trusted and I love dearly. I'm like, damn, like maybe I do need to, you know, be humble and calm down a little bit and, you know, keep my accomplishments to myself, if you will. Abso fucking lutely not. Anyways, that's what I was thinking at the time. And. That kind of made me look at myself a little bit differently Because I kept trying to justify what I was saying, But I kept getting pushed back. leaving that conversation with her, I started to kind of want to protect her feelings as a true friend would Avoiding confrontation in a way that would make her upset. I didn't understand why, what I said made her upset, but I still, at the day, it was just like, well, I don't want her to think that I think I'm better than her or anyone for that matter. So I just started to go with the flow. I started to just smile and nod and, you know, Keep my accomplishments and pretty much everything that I was going through to myself. That was probably the worst thing that I could've did. And I wish that I had went to talk to somebody else, or got feedback elsewhere, or just took a second to reflect on the conversation. I and recognize that it was projection and not actually what was happening in the moment because my desire to protect our feelings and keep the peace and avoid confrontation spilled over into every relationship that I had. I didn't want to be seen as doing too much or difficult. I, I guess, just wanted to please everybody else. Fast forward to post college, maybe like a year. I'm talking to this guy, and we end up in a situation ship. You know, the back and forth, the, I wanna fuck with you, but I don't wanna fuck with you, but I wanna fuck with you, that. So we ended up in that, and around this time, I'm already on a, Path to figuring out what's wrong with me because my light dimmed. I wasn't myself. I wasn't that same girl that looked at relationships the same. my self worth was just lowering and lowering and what I knew to be true about myself was decreasing. The things that I was allowing was just diabolical. And. I was already kind of on that journey of figuring out like, okay, how can I step back into my power? I felt really, really lost during this time period. So, one of the things that I recognized was that my relationships Were not a reflection of my true desires, and what I really wanted. So, when I was talking to this person I had a conversation, I told him how I felt about him, And he reciprocated that same feeling towards me, but didn't do anything about it. So I'm like, that's fine, this just isn't a relationship that I need to be in. Let's just say I tell him this, Tuesday. By Friday, he hits me back up, come over, let's talk, he basically tells me I want to be with you, but just not right now, this is a bad time in my life. Cool. I know that the chances of that happening are very slim, but I ended up giving in anyways, being like, let me not be too difficult. Let me just, see where this goes. Once again, going with the flow and ignoring my intuition and my gut feelings. As the months continued to go by, I still felt that nagging, gut feeling, and like thoughts in the back of my mind. Like, this just isn't somewhere that I need to be. But I kept going with the flow, I was compromising on small things like watching movies I didn't want to watch, eating at restaurants that I didn't want to eat at, spending the weekends where he was and telling myself that, you know, it wasn't a big deal that he was trying to put in the work and essentially that I should be grateful that he was doing that. Mm mm, absolutely not. Thinking about this story is making me mad, but let me keep going. Around this time I wanted to go on a trip for my birthday. And he told me to wait Because he wanted to plan it and surprise me I knew better than to trust that, but I decided to take him at his word. All that shit was out the window, maybe like two weeks before my birthday. I'm asking him like, so what do I need to pack? He says, for what? For my birthday. What do I need to pack for my birthday? He's like, oh, we'll just stay local. We'll just go to dinner. Nothing too crazy, Motherfucker. It was in that moment that something snapped for me. I was grateful that he was trying. But it just was not for me. I felt empty the entire weekend. And literally cried on my birthday in the bathroom by myself. To say I was hurt. Angry, pissed, resentful, would be an understatement. I was all of those things plus 10. You know, you cry in the bathroom, And your head is down, and you're covering your face, and you get like that glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Yeah, that was me. And I looked at myself fully, and I'm just like, who is this person? That person was someone who lost herself in the process of trying to please someone else. When I brought this up to him, maybe like a couple days after, He told me that I was ungrateful, dramatic, and being extremely difficult, and that I didn't need a trip to enjoy my birthday, and I should be thankful for what I got, And usually, I would have told him I understand his perspective, but not that time. I didn't say it in these words, but I told him he was bugging the fuck out. And to take me home. For the next, three weeks to a month, I was by myself. Forced to face myself. And the fact that I was letting other people's opinions and perspectives of me dictate my life. I cried. I probably cried, every day for those three weeks. Telling myself that I would never care so much about what someone else thought about me to the point where I just give in and go with the flow or do things just because someone else think, I should do them. that situation literally turned my life around. Hitting rock bottom. In that way, was the turning point that I needed to change my life around. It forced me to ask myself questions like, Why did I allow people to dictate my life? Why did I people please and feel like it was okay to just go with the flow? It made me reflect on my true desires, my wants, my needs, my values, and my beliefs. It made me Have to get serious about what I truly wanted, what my values were and who I was without everyone else's expectations on me. I reflected, I journaled, and I rediscovered myself. It was the best worst thing that ever happened to me. Saying yes out of convenience? Dead. Doing things without checking in with myself to make sure it's something I actually want to do? Dead. And making choices that weren't in line with my true self Dead Granted This journey was not a straight line A lot of ups and downs, a lot of backtracking and there were moments I still struggle with old habits But I learned that Listen to my intuition. Something that I had ignored for so long was the key to building a life that felt authentic to me. You So during the time that I reflected on the situation, there were a couple of things that I recognized that impacted me as a whole in just the person that I was and I want to share them with you. The first thing was a loss of self worth. when you continuously go with the flow, to please others or keep the peace, it messes with your self worth over time. by putting others preferences or opinions over your own, you're signaling to yourself that yours don't matter, which leads to feelings of inadequacy, In a diminished sense of personal value. The second thing I recognized was disconnection from my authentic self. your true feelings can lead to a disconnection you are at your core. And then it becomes difficult to truly understand what brings you joy and fulfillment. Because you've been so accustomed to prioritizing what everyone else wants over your own genuine desires. Another thing, which is what my story was about, was unhealthy relationship patterns. going with the flow leads to an imbalance. Where that person may come to expect you to always be accommodating. Loss of direction and purpose is another one. Following others leads rather than making attention choice for yourself can lead to a feeling of aimlessness. And over time, Going with the flow, this pattern will have you out of alignment. Compromised boundaries was another impact I recognized. When you go with the flow, you're often bending or even ignoring your boundaries. And this lack of personal limits makes it challenging to protect your time, your energy, or emotional well being. people start to take advantage of your flexibility. lastly, A decreased confidence in decision making. This is the one that stood out the most to me because when I tell you self trust out the door, like out the door, I did not trust myself to make a decision. I was constantly doubting my decisions or my thoughts or my beliefs because I felt like I was making bad decisions anyway, so I couldn't trust myself. After a while, I became so uncertain with my ability to make the right choice for myself, It's actually ridiculous. You Next, I want to talk about the lessons I've learned getting back to my true self. The first lesson, you do not have to negotiate your worth, wants, or your needs. I'm going to say that again. your worth, your wants, or your needs. Standing firm on your values do not make you difficult or demanding. And anybody that is telling you that you are being difficult or demanding for voicing your needs and voicing your wants and your desires, it's probably somebody that shouldn't be in your life. You should take that as a sign that that's a person that will never be able to fulfill your needs or give you what it is that you need. opposition towards it, that it's out of reach for them, but that does not mean it's out of reach for you. Do not be here trying to meet somebody here and then think you're going to bring them up here. Nine times out of ten, actually ten times out of ten, that's not going to happen. It's really about honoring yourself and what you deserve. The second lesson is listen to yourself the first time. Think about a time where you got a gut feeling. that told you not to do something or not to go through with something or to do the opposite of what you did. And think about how badly that turned around. And had you just listened to yourself, the situation would not have been as bad as it was. to yourself the first time. That is a motto that I am living by Listen to myself the first time. I do not need proof. I do not need to know why I shouldn't do something or I should. I don't need to know. I'm just going to follow that internal guide that I have because she has not let me down. The only time I've been let down is when I haven't listened to her. And I ain't doing that again. Ignoring your intuition leads to harder life lessons. know that if you don't listen, life is gonna find a way to force you to confront the truth. the last and final lesson, going with the flow usually benefits the other person more than it benefits you. I hope you heard this before, especially the notion that going with the flow with a man benefits him more than it benefits you. Going along with what they got going on and their expectations makes no room for your goals and your desires. You know what you want. And if a person can't offer you that, they just can't offer you that. And that's okay. There's about 7 billion of us on this planet. There's somebody out there for you. There's a friend that doesn't want to drink. You do not have to give in. Going along with somebody else's expectations or their plans serve their goals, not yours. It's possible to be flexible without losing yourself in the process. You So now you're probably wondering like, okay, so what do I do? I got you. The first thing you need to do is get clear. On the core elements of your identity. What you want, what you need, what you value and believe journal, journal, journal, write these things out And don't worry, the weekly challenge will help you do this without clarity, it's so easy to fall into other's expectations. The next thing you need to do is redefine your worth. baby you're worth it. You've been worth it. You will forever be worth it. But I need you to know that so that you don't ever settle and be in situations, places, environments that you do not need to be in. You do not need to give someone the benefit of the doubt or act like you're happy with something that you're not, take stock of your self worth. Focusing on your internal value instead of what others expect or demand from you. This one was a game changer for me. practice saying no and being honest with yourself. It's probably one of the most empowering first steps you can actually take. Start small. I didn't just come out the gate swinging like, no bitch, fuck you. No. I started small I think the first thing that I practiced this with was food. It was, do you want Chinese? And my answer was, no. can we get sushi instead? That simple. Start small. It could be a TV show. It could be dinner. It could be who's driving. Start small and then you'll build that muscle. to being able to say no to the bigger things. So get clear on the core elements of your identity. Redefine your worth. Start small saying no and being honest with yourself. You Now, let's get into the weekly challenge. This week, I want you to check in with yourself. Notice any areas where you may have been going with the flow, And ignoring your true wants and needs. Don't let fucked up situations force you into realizing your worth so here are the three journal prompts to go along with this week's challenge. Number one. Where in my life have I been going with the flow rather than listening to my true needs? Number two. What values or needs am I compromising to keep the peace Or avoid discomfort. lastly, number three. What would it look like to start saying yes to my needs? This question is my favorite one. When I did it, it kinda helps you reverse engineer, A. K. A. figure out the steps that you need to take in order to live the life that you want to live. And yes, all of these journal prompts are prompts that I've answered myself that have helped me, and I will be sharing them over time. we are at the end of the episode. Thank you so much for joining me this week As we talked about rediscovering your worth and being intentional about our choices. Remember that this is in no way about being rigid or inflexible. It's about being true to who you really are. If today's episode resonated with you, make sure you follow, subscribe to the channel if you're watching video, share with a friend, and leave a review if you feel called to. And for the weekly challenge journal prompts and support, follow True to her podcast there will be a highlight for this week's challenge, for you and I to interact, as well as behind the scenes, I can't wait to hear about your journey, and I'll see you in the next episode.
